I’d been praying for a life preserver.
God, send me help.
Give me something that can take this pain away.
I couldn’t take it anymore.
I was drowning in myself, my loss, the pain…and I was weary from bearing it alone.
I never wanted to be alone.
I loved being a wife.
I loved taking care of a man. MY man.
I loved building him up and watching him shine and loving him and being his.
I missed that most.
And I sat in my aloneness and in my grief building these elaborate stories in my head about what my life would look like, who would enter this new life, and starting over.
Oh, God! The starting OVER! From scratch!
No. I just didn’t want to do it.
But grief was swallowing me whole, sucking the life from me. No mindset shift would get me out, and although I was fighting and standing strong for those around me, I was shriveling inside. Losing myself.
I asked my counselor, at Month 3, how long it would take for me to NOT feel this way anymore? When would I feel better, stronger, more capable? When would I wake up and find myself getting out of bed with ease?
“Six months,” she said. “Maybe more like 9.”
And I thought, well, I’m about halfway there. I can hold on.
So I started looking ahead to that 6-month marker, that random date that became some sort of goal for me.
If I can make it to six months, things will turn around.
And here we are.
Today marks 6 months on this planet without my husband.
Six months living a brand new life; a new and different existence for me and my kids, and everyone who loved him. (And he was loved by so many!)
God sent a life preserver.
He sent help.
Help comes in so many different forms, and I had to be open to what that could look like, at any given moment.
The Universe will always deliver what you ask and wait in expectant anticipation…which I did.
In doing so, I’m sitting here at the 6-month mark; that random date at which my therapist said things would start to look up.
And they are.
We miss him like f*%k. That’ll be a constant.
But we’re living.
The lights have come back into our eyes.
Our faces have lifted.
Our appetites have returned, and so has laughter.
Oh, the laughter!
I questioned, at times, if I’d ever get up off the bathroom floor.
Thankfully, with a lot of love, I have. Slowly but surely, I rose. I haven’t laid on the tile in there for a long while.
I much prefer the vertical view in life…standing tall and looking it directly in the eyes.
What else do you have in store for us, Life? We’re ready to tackle the next 6 months, 6 years, 6 decades.
We’ve got this.
And you do too, my friend.
I have been following you since your husband past. You are so much stronger than you realize. Prayers for continued healing😍
Thank you for your encouragement. Your comment means so much
I lost my husband almost 2 months ago. I have had to move back to our hometown to literally start over with our 9 year old daughter. We are living with my parents and I will be going back to school soon. I struggle everyday. I miss him so much and I miss the life we had together. Your post gives me hope. Thank you.
Much love and strength to you, friend.
You ever need anything I have been through a lot. We have a few common friends.
Hey Heather, I lost my husband unexpectedly one month ago. We have 6 year old twin girls and they have been my strength, along with my faith. But, you were who I thought of many times as I’ve walked through these tough weeks. I’m so scared. I miss My Matt so much. Thank you for your words of comfort and hope. This isn’t easy.
Hold strong. You’re doing it.
I’v made my 1-yr, actually 18 months without my husband of 56 yrs. This has been the hardest thing in my life. But I’m slowly getting through the loneliness of living alone. You inspire me so much!! Thank you!
Keep going! You’re doing great!
My wife and I lost our 1st spouses in 2002 & 03 respectively. We met at my church in the GriefShare course we were taking. It’s Christ centered and only offered in churches in the US and internationally. It helped us so much we became facilitators and are still leading it in Eagle, ID 16 years later. We are encouragers and have witnessed many miracles through faith and the Holy Spirit working in the more than 1,000 people that have come through our ministry. If you are grieving, go to http://www.GriefShare.org and put in your zip code to find the churches in your area that run the program, you will not be disappointed, you will be blessed.
Heather, keep up the good work and hang in there!
P.S. The same parent company also produces DivorceCare which it an equally devastating but different grief.